Disclaimer: If you have come to my blog looking for help because you are in crisis or are contemplating suicide or need to call for someone in crisis, PLEASE seek help immediately. Call 911, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
A permanent solution to an often temporary problem.
Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queer/Questioning youth, the number of completed suicides are twice as high among adolescents as their heterosexual peers. When looking at the factors that contribute to suicide and completed suicides, we have learned that support is vital to prevention. Prevention is key when it comes to this issue.
How can parents help?
Listen to your child. Don't make assumptions or judgments. Ask questions that are supportive.
How do I know this?
I've been through it. I'd like to share my personal journey with my parents, being gay, and learning to cope with a society that can't seem to accept the fact that I'm wired to love a fellow female.
When I was 15 years old, my partner and I decided to commit our lives to each other and "go steady." We were not out of the closet, per se, but we were outed by some of our peers. Not in a kind nor accepting way, either. The word "Dyke" was a common epithet thrown at us, and, on more than one occasion, boys reacted violently toward me. The peer abuse was pretty bad. We were rather isolated for the most part, being the only outed gay girls in our school.
While I wasn't actively suicidal, I was passively suicidal - in other words, I wouldn't seek a way to kill myself, but I would wish for death to release the pain I was in...pain from the lack of support and understanding - not from being gay. (So many people misunderstand that the GLBTQ community is quite happy once they have support and acceptance. Being this way is not a mental illness.)
My partner came out to her parents. Her parents called my mother. I will never forget that day, and, with her permission, I am going to share what happened.
We were in the car on the way home when my mother told me about the call. When I said that it was true, that I thought I was gay, she reeled. She told me that I must be "trying to be a martyr" for a cause of the underdog. After all, she had gay and lesbian friends, but certainly her daughter couldn't fit this bill. She fretted and panicked over the treatment I would receive. I told her it was too late, that I was like this in spite of her and my peers at school.
She responded by slapping me across the face for backtalk.
That's when I lost it. Crying and yelling, I told her if she ever hit me again I would kill her. I was sick of no one being on my side, and that I'd kill us both by running the car off the road. I remember yelling, "THAT WOULD SOLVE IT, WOULDN'T IT? KILL THE DYKE AND HER ASHAMED MOTHER!"
My mom is really good at being calm when someone else is freaking out, though, so this managed to make her more steady. She told me she still loved me and though she didn't understand, I would have to tell my father, and that he would likely have a heart attack when he heard.
This got a reaction out of me...I didn't want to be the one to kill my dad.
When we got home, my father had made dinner and was sitting at the head of the kitchen table, reading a local newspaper. Mom introduced the news: "Your daughter has something to tell you."
"Nope," was my reply. I was terrified. I made myself busy by getting a drink from the refrigerator. So, Mom told him, "Anne and Heather are a couple now."
My father just looked from me to my mother. I froze, waiting for the nitroglycerin tablets, the CPR, and the ambulance.
"So?" Dad asked, "is she pregnant? Dying? Has VD?"
My mother started, "John, this is terrible! She's going to lead a terrible life of prejudice!"
Dad took her hand. "Helene, she already does. Maybe this is just a phase. If it is, great, and if not, that's okay, too." He had me sit down at the table, next to him.
"I'd like for the both of you to get some therapy for this."
We took his advice. His calm, steady support in the face of this storm helped us bear some of the hardest years ahead. Mom quickly became my #1 fan and cheerleader. I started coming out to more people, knowing that when it got rough, I could go to my parents and they would love me and my partner unconditionally.
They taught me what fidelity meant, and I am pleased to say my partner and I have been together for 20 years, and in a Civil Union for 10 of those years.
Once I got into therapy with a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who was trained in GLBTQ issues, I began to grow. The suicidal ideation went away. I had support. I had people I could talk to when my relationship was rocky.
Think about this: Most GLBTQ teens have no one to talk to save their partner at the time. That partner is also facing pressure from a heterosexist society. So, when their relationship hits the hard times, as all relationships do, they wind up with no one to talk to about it. I was fortunate to have a couple of caring parents, neighbors, and a counselor! Most kids will not have those resources.
So what can you do?
If you are a parent and your child has just come out to you, BE SUPPORTIVE. Go to PFLAG.org for support, help, and answers. PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) has a ton of resources that can help you and your child.
How can parents help?
Listen to your child. Don't make assumptions or judgments. Ask questions that are supportive.
How do I know this?
I've been through it. I'd like to share my personal journey with my parents, being gay, and learning to cope with a society that can't seem to accept the fact that I'm wired to love a fellow female.
When I was 15 years old, my partner and I decided to commit our lives to each other and "go steady." We were not out of the closet, per se, but we were outed by some of our peers. Not in a kind nor accepting way, either. The word "Dyke" was a common epithet thrown at us, and, on more than one occasion, boys reacted violently toward me. The peer abuse was pretty bad. We were rather isolated for the most part, being the only outed gay girls in our school.
While I wasn't actively suicidal, I was passively suicidal - in other words, I wouldn't seek a way to kill myself, but I would wish for death to release the pain I was in...pain from the lack of support and understanding - not from being gay. (So many people misunderstand that the GLBTQ community is quite happy once they have support and acceptance. Being this way is not a mental illness.)
My partner came out to her parents. Her parents called my mother. I will never forget that day, and, with her permission, I am going to share what happened.
We were in the car on the way home when my mother told me about the call. When I said that it was true, that I thought I was gay, she reeled. She told me that I must be "trying to be a martyr" for a cause of the underdog. After all, she had gay and lesbian friends, but certainly her daughter couldn't fit this bill. She fretted and panicked over the treatment I would receive. I told her it was too late, that I was like this in spite of her and my peers at school.
She responded by slapping me across the face for backtalk.
That's when I lost it. Crying and yelling, I told her if she ever hit me again I would kill her. I was sick of no one being on my side, and that I'd kill us both by running the car off the road. I remember yelling, "THAT WOULD SOLVE IT, WOULDN'T IT? KILL THE DYKE AND HER ASHAMED MOTHER!"
My mom is really good at being calm when someone else is freaking out, though, so this managed to make her more steady. She told me she still loved me and though she didn't understand, I would have to tell my father, and that he would likely have a heart attack when he heard.
This got a reaction out of me...I didn't want to be the one to kill my dad.
When we got home, my father had made dinner and was sitting at the head of the kitchen table, reading a local newspaper. Mom introduced the news: "Your daughter has something to tell you."
"Nope," was my reply. I was terrified. I made myself busy by getting a drink from the refrigerator. So, Mom told him, "Anne and Heather are a couple now."
My father just looked from me to my mother. I froze, waiting for the nitroglycerin tablets, the CPR, and the ambulance.
"So?" Dad asked, "is she pregnant? Dying? Has VD?"
My mother started, "John, this is terrible! She's going to lead a terrible life of prejudice!"
Dad took her hand. "Helene, she already does. Maybe this is just a phase. If it is, great, and if not, that's okay, too." He had me sit down at the table, next to him.
"I'd like for the both of you to get some therapy for this."
We took his advice. His calm, steady support in the face of this storm helped us bear some of the hardest years ahead. Mom quickly became my #1 fan and cheerleader. I started coming out to more people, knowing that when it got rough, I could go to my parents and they would love me and my partner unconditionally.
They taught me what fidelity meant, and I am pleased to say my partner and I have been together for 20 years, and in a Civil Union for 10 of those years.
Once I got into therapy with a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who was trained in GLBTQ issues, I began to grow. The suicidal ideation went away. I had support. I had people I could talk to when my relationship was rocky.
Think about this: Most GLBTQ teens have no one to talk to save their partner at the time. That partner is also facing pressure from a heterosexist society. So, when their relationship hits the hard times, as all relationships do, they wind up with no one to talk to about it. I was fortunate to have a couple of caring parents, neighbors, and a counselor! Most kids will not have those resources.
So what can you do?
If you are a parent and your child has just come out to you, BE SUPPORTIVE. Go to PFLAG.org for support, help, and answers. PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) has a ton of resources that can help you and your child.
Your natural instinct is to protect your children from pain, suffering, and prejudice, so be the one person who doesn't inflict it on them by making snap judgments.
If you know a teen who is going through this process, help them speak to their parents. Help them get involved in support groups. Give them a safety net in case they are thrown out by their parents (it still happens, yes). Be willing to refer them to appropriate support groups. Listen to their parents' concerns, and, armed with appropriate information, help them understand.
You have the power to help prevent suicide.
Namaste,
The Transpersonal Psychologist
